Poems

The scales

Numbers, they are just numbers,

But everyday I take a deep breath,

As I prepare to step on the scales,

A lost pound,

I will love myself,

A pound gained,

I will hate myself,

Every calorie I eat,

Every pound I gain,

I wonder when this will ever end,

Every calorie resist,

Every pound I lose,

I wonder when I will finally disappear,

I stand by the bathroom door,

I walk towards the toilet,

This isn’t me,

I think to myself as I lean in the toilet,

I am so ashamed,

As I purge my soul,

Food is just food,

Scales are just scales,

Numbers are just numbers,

Will this ever just end?

My self-hatred

When the pain is so much to bear,

You can’t look at yourself in the mirror,

You’re hiding behind the lies,

But most of all your beautiful smile,

You laugh out loud,

But cry inside,

You have them all fooled,

You’re the great pretender,

They don’t know what your doing behind closed doors,

Stuffing yourself with food,

It’s never enough,

Sticking your fingers down your throat,

You can’t let yourself get fat,

They won’t love you anymore,

They don’t know you anymore,

But the saddest thing of all,

You don’t love yourself anymore,

And you don’t know who you are.

Just do it

Go ahead,

Push that blade further into your skin,

Kill yourself,

No one will miss you,

You’ve been dead for so long.

Just run

Sometimes when there are no right answers to things,

You just have to run,

When darkness lies ahead and you cant see your way,

You just have to run,

Run from everything you know,

Because so much has changed,

Run from yourself,

Because you’ve changed,

Everything that seemed important means nothing now,

All hope is gone,

You want away from those trying to control you,

They just don’t understand,

They never do,

And they never will,

So just run while you got the chance,

And never look back

suicide-success

Oh my gosh!

What have I done,

I did it,

I’m laying in the bath tub,

Full of blood,

I’ve slit my wrist,

My heart has stopped,

The pain is supposed to be gone,

I look over my dead body,

I don’t even recognize myself,

I made a huge mistake,

I wish I were alive more than anything,

Now I’m just another static,

Another teenager who took her own life,

Oh my gosh!

I hear my mother,

Mommy please don’t come in,

I don’t want her to see me like this,

She is finally going to see all the pain I’ve felt on the inside is now how I look on the outside,

The doorknob turns slowly,

She stares at the pool of blood,

Then she screamed a thousand screams,

I don’t want her to get any closer,

But then she runs over to me,

Frantically she grabs my arm and shakes it

“Why?! Kristine why?! Wake up!” Mother yells

why, why, because I was so selfish,

I left my mother all alone,

And now my soul is to fight alone.

Why

Take away my food,

Take away my pain,

Why do I have to be fat?

Why do I have to hurt?

Just make me thin,

Just make me feel beautiful,

Why can’t I just disappear?

Why can’t I just appear?

I do not exist,

I do not feel the pain,

Why am I trapped inside myself?

Why am I feeling like this?

No one sees me,

No one knows me,

Why am I so non-existent?

Why am I so unhappy?

Take this face and make it perfect,

Take this soul and make it whole,

Why do I over-eat?

Why do I starve?

This doesn’t make any sense to you,

It makes no sense me,

Why am I so confused?

Why do the questions continue?

The real question is,

Not why,

But how come no one understands me?

Not even I.

Seeing the beauty

Something’s different about me today,

I woke up and looked in the mirror,

And instead of crying,

As I have done many times,

I smiled,

And this time I meant it,

I saw my beautiful face for the first time,

And I saw my self inside and out,

For the first time I saw that I was worth something,

The fat I had seen so many times was gone,

The numbered flaws disappeared,

I saw me, for who I really was,

Not for what ana and mia saw me as,

Never again am I going to curse myself again,

I am going to hold onto this moment for as long as I can,

I know the negative thoughts will return,

But if I smile at myself,

And choose to love myself for who I am,

I can get past those days,

And once again live my life,

Instead of obsessing over my appearance,

I now know there is more to life than what you weigh and how you look,

Now I can truly be happy,

It will take time though,

But I believe I’ve taken the first step,

I smiled at myself at myself today.

The pain I keep inside,

Is getting so hard to hide,

You can’t see me cry,

I bet you have no idea I want to die,

If I told you,

What would you say?

That I have everything in the world and more?

Or where did I go wrong?

Yes, your little baby is fucked up,

Now you know why,

Why it is I lie,

Take a second,

Look deep within my eyes,

Can you see the pain behind the lies?

What do you do?

What do you do,

When the girl you see in the mirror,

Is your fat-ugly reflection,

What do you do,

When you stare into those eyes,

And see that blank stare,

What do you do,

When your looking at yourself,

And you feel disconnected from your body and soul,

What do you do,

When you begin to see a stranger,

A girl you don’t know,

What do you do,

When you realize who she is,

She’s your enemy who must be destroyed,

Do you break the mirror,

And watch her shatter,

Or do you go on an endless quest to starve her,

To rid her of you.

Ana, oh ana,

How I need you,

You taught me how to degrade food,

And myself,

I was wasting away,

To a non-existent world,

Where I felt nothing,

And the I betrayed you,

I thought I wanted to live free again,

But this isn’t freedom,

I’m trapped,

Trapped by food,

And these thoughts and feelings,

That never left me,

So I know you’re there,

Why aren’t you helping me?

Help me to be pure and light,

And free from the food,

And the world,

Forever.

I'm not who I used to be,

I'm different,

I used to live to live,

Now I live to die,

I pray at night,

for God to take my life,

and rescue me from this hell,

I'm falling down a black hole,

and I fear this will be never ending,

I think about all the ways to die,

I'm hopeless,

And I see no future,

But mommy I love you,

I'm holding on for you.

This hunger is too much to bare,

So I let myself have just one bite,

Only one bite of thaty cookie,

But once again hunger has taken over me,

And that cookie jar is soon empty,

I grab the jug of milk,

and down my throat it goes,

my stomach is now extended,

It hurts to much to move,

Strucken by panic,

to the bathroom is where I run,

As my fingers gag me,

My stomach in my throat,

As the food reappears,

In that toilet bowl,

I flush it all away,

I'm scared to death,

as i realize,

This is the rest of my live.

I know these poems may not be that great. But they're some I've written over the years. Poetry is very theraputic you know!