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Christi was a junior, and only 16 years old. She was anorexic and
bulimic for three years. She was getting outpatient treatment 3times a week. I had no idea she struggling like I was. She
was beautiful, popular, stylish, an honor student, a cheerleader, a volleyball player, and in every club you can possibly
imagine. I was always secretly jealous and like I said, I had no idea how alike we really were. I was in a residential home
being treated for my eating disorder when I got the news she hung herself. I was in shock, I didnt know what to think. I just
stared at her picture thinking omg that was almost me, that should be me. I had overdosed twice before. I couldnt get over
how I would never see her again and she had really killed herself, she was really dead. I was slightly mad at her because
her pain was gone and I was like every second of mine. After I got out of treatment I overdosed twice more. The last time
when I was in the ICU Christi's mom came up to see me. She had tears in her eyes as she told me her story. Her mom had no
idea she was going to do something like that. But apparently she had tryed to before but stopped herself...same as me. The
evening it happened she told her mom she was going downstairs for a second...she never came back up. Her mom found her daughter
hanging there cold and soaking wet (she had wet herself when she died). Her mom went next door to call 911 (Christi cut all
the phone cords) thinkin maybe they could get her heart to start up again. No luck. Her mom left the hospital with her daughter's
death certificate, not her daughter. She had Christi's organs donated and her name and picture was in a book with other organ
donors. Most of them had all died of a car accident or motorcycle accident and she had to write that her daughter killed herself.
She told me their isnt a second she isnt thinking about her, or blaming herself. Her mother is trying to get through this
pain her daughter left her. I don't blame Christi though, I understand where she was at. I can speak from my experiance, She
wasnt thinking about her family and friends, she couldnt. She was too consumed with her pain and ending it. Maybe that was
selfish, but she couldnt help it. I'm not saying its okay to kill herself. I'm just sayin I know she loved her mother and
would not have done what she did if she was thinking of her. But ever sense her mom saw me and told all this, I havent tryed
to kill myself sense. I stop and think about Christi. Of everything she had going for her, how she never really got to live.
And then I think of myself, I'm only 17, and I know their has to be more to life than this. And I'm going to find it. But
I wish more than anything I would have had the chance to talk to Christi. But I didnt get to, and as horrible as her suicide
was, it may have saved my life.
Christi- you are loved and missed dearly.
This is a poem I wrote to Christi...
What's it like to die?
Did it hurt?
Where are you now?
Their is so much I want to ask you,
We weren't friends,
I wish we could have been though,
I know what it's like to want to die,
to just want the pain to go away,
Did you try to change your mind?
But only to find it was to late,
and you were dead.
Were you scared?
When you knew you were going to die,
Or were you relieved you were going to be at peace,
Were you secretly hoping someone would save you,
and then they'd all know how badly you hurt,
Were you confused?
Not knowing what to do,
To die or to live,
to get the pain to stop.
Did you think of your family and friends?
Did you know how much they cared,
they did, they love and miss you so much,
Your mother told me so,
Did you know their was hope?
and things would get better,
I'm still holding on to that hope,
and praying things will get better,
because untill these questions are answered,
I'll choose to live,
even if it hurts.
If you are feeling desperate and you think your only
option is suicide. Please think again. Think of those who love you. And you may not think they care, and they may not always
show it. But they do. Please call a hotline, or go to http://suicidehotlines.com/. You are NOT alone.
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