I think it really started my freshman year. I remember before going to the Christmas Dance I looked in the mirror and was like omg I am fat. It was the first time it had hit me. I had a womens body and it freaked me out. I was used to my straight body. I was scared I was just going to keep getting bigger. That's when I decided I was going to start dieting, get down to 100 pounds. I was about 115 at the time. Which was the most I had ever weighed. When I first hit Junior High I weighed 100 and it freaked me out because I weighed 3digits. And now I was really far from that! So I tryed to diet, decided it wasnt working. I had heard of girls making themselves throw up to lose weight. So I thought I'd try that. It was hard for me to do at first. So I wouldnt eat very much because I knew I'd have to throw up and I didnt want to. Yet I was determined to lose weight and I had no idea what I was getting to. But after awhile I thought why even eat if its going to end up in the toilet anyways. So thats when I started flushing my food down the toilet. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world those first few months. I had my secret and I was losing weight. I was finally good at something. It didnt take long for people to catch on. I didnt even try hiding it, I was almost proud of what I was doing. But almost 3years later I look back and it pisses me off. Its scarey as hell when you realize you cant stop. That this is  your life. This is my life. And I'm not happy with it either. And instead of asking for help I've overdosed 4 times and have tryed hanging myself. I cut my wrist. I was crying out for help. But at the same time I'm too scared to ask for help. This has been my way of coping and my way of living for to long to change it now. And the only way I think I'll ever be happy is if I get skinny, so skinny I disapear. You may be wondering what is so bad about your life that your so depressed. I really dont know. Just the fact that I'm ugly, fat, alone, being someone I'm not, acting all the time, being a failure at EVERYTHING, and I know I'll never be anything in life. So basically its me, its this self hatred I have for myself. I have loving parents, and great parents. But I have wondered if they would love me if they really knew me, like really knew me. Thats basically my story. Not that impressive. I used to be anorexic and now I wish I was again. But I've become bulimic and its hard to go back to starving after all the binging and purging I do. But at least with bulimia I hide it so well. But I'm not sure thats a good thing. I'm miserable, and I'm dying inside, and the sad thing is, I don't even care anymore...

Updated

I started IOP on May 23^rd, It is a 6 week program. It is called the Lotus Group. It has helped me a lot. I do want to live, I want to be happy, and I’m going to do what it takes. Eating Disorders AREN’T about food, or weight. I never really believed that, but now I do. I am having an extremely hard time letting this go. This eating disorder does a lot for me (obviously or I wouldn’t be doing it) but I have figured out something’s it’s doing for me and I’m going to get what I need from something other than this eating disorder. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know in the end it will all be worth it. I will not be controlled by an eating disorder forever, I promised myself that. And slowly I’m breaking away.

^^I wrote that all in the summer while I was in IOP. When school started and I stopped going to therapy I was relapsing, and relapsing bad. I got to the point where I couldnt drink anything without throwing up because I was so dehydrated I would chug drinks and then be so full and bloated I'd throw up. I've always been affected deeply with this mentally but it started really taking its physical toll on me. My pottassium was dropping, dangerously low and I was dehydrated and it was causing me to have chest pains and my ekgs would come back abnormal. It was horrible, I wasnt living at all, I was existing and going through the daily motions, completely numb. I'd look in the mirror and I wouldnt even recognize myself anymore. This gaunt pale lifeless empty thing stared back at me. I would get hospitilized and get potassium and fluids pumped into me then be released only for 2 days later to be back in. They admitted to inpatient at the Trinity Center in St. Josephs Hospital. It was however not specialized in eating disorders and knew very little. But I was there for 22days and it was the worst and hardest 22 days of my life. I was there with a lady with mulitple personality disorder, druggies and alcoholics going through detox, suicide attempts, bipolar, just all kinds of peopel except not one person but me had an eating disorder. But they did help me. Biggest wakeup call  yet, this was no longer worth it. I am now trying to take control and I have gone 20 days and have only thrown up ONCE. thats an ultime record for me. I am not an eating disorder, I am Patricia and I'm a good person, and I'm going to show that. I'm working on a book right now and hopefully it will be on your local bookstores bookshelves!